Napoleon: Spoonfuls of Style but No Passion Makes for a Disappointing Documentary

Back in the days when writing about all things telly wasn’t just a way to fill in the time between job applications, it WAS my job, I had the pleasure of speaking to the people who were on TV.

Among them were many who I genuinely admired and – a near-miss with Clive Barker aside (curse that book tour of 2005) – some of the folk I spoke to were actual heroes.

One was Michael Wood, that slightly crumpled and handsomely windswept TV presenter of yesteryear. I not only got the chance to interview him about one of his shows, but used that opportunity to thank him from the bottom of my heart for being the person who ignited my love of history.

Unfortunately, he can’t present everything, which is a shame, because someone with his warmth and passion would have given just what the opener for new three-part BBC Two series Napoleon was missing.

I have no doubt that host Andrew Roberts is as into Old Boney as I am into cake, and while his documentary ticked all the appropriate boxes: pieces to camera from assorted locations intimately associated with Napoleon, interspersed with neatly edited bits, I spent much of the hour waiting patiently for the whole thing to burst into life.

That’s not to say Roberts hadn’t done his homework. Napoleon is, as he readily admits, a man who has held his fascination since he was a boy. This good looking, well-researched film, revealed how Bonaparte saved France from chaos after the Revolution by basically being a mean bastard and turning his cannons on ‘the people’.

It stripped away the romantic nonsense about his marriage to Josephine, and explored how he went on to beat the shit out of armies in Italy and Egypt, before coming to France’s rescue again and crowning himself as Emperor.

All properly interesting stuff, but where, I had to ask myself, was the passion?

Where once upon a time, Wood would have had me eating out of his hand within five minutes talking about someone who had long since turned to dust, a somewhat stiff Roberts left me wondering if this was an extended advert for his book…

There are two more episodes of Napoleon to soak up, and nothing would give me greater pleasure than to see Roberts loosen up and really let us see why Boney gets his juices flowing.

Then this series stands a chance of being worthy of the man it’s trying to honour.

THE WHO, WHAT, WHEN OF IT

WHAT’S IT CALLED?

Napoleon

WHEN IS IT ON?

Wednesday June 10, 9.30pm

WHAT CHANNEL?

BBC2

WHO IS IN IT?

Napoleon Bonaparte – but only in portrait form…

WHO SHOULD WATCH IT?

Devotees of the mind-bogglingly self-centred Emper-Roi.

WHO SHOULDN’T WATCH IT?

People who have no idea France had a revolution.

ITV’s Ice Rink on the Estate Gets a Warm Welcome

There have been many confessions on this site over the years, but few as closely guarded as the one I’m about to reveal… I was a huge Torvill and Dean fan. I mean ENORMOUS.

I was an inch from the screen at arse o’clock in the morning when they lifted the curtain on Bolero for the very first time at the 1984 Winter Olympics. I Macked and Mabelled, I Faced the Music and Danced. I even kept scrapbooks packed with cuttings and clippings and drawings of their costumes…

I loved their artistry, their style, their grace. Yet in my life I have never, ever set foot on an ice rink. Weird, huh?

I’m 43 now, and I might do it when I’m 50 and nobody’s looking, but for the moment, I’ll stay firmly on the sidelines. It’s a bit like seeing a real ballet – the beauty is somewhat spoiled by the noisy thumping of the shoes on the floor. I don’t want to shatter my ice-skating illusion just yet.

I kept an eye on Chris and Jayne as their careers went from sporting competition to Dancing on Ice, and when I saw they’d be featured in new series Ice Rink on the Estate, I had to take a peek, even if I didn’t believe my eyes.

It followed the Olympic champions as they went back to their Nottingham roots to put on a show, aided and abetted by 50 kids from the Nottingham Academy, the UK’s biggest school. Finding 50 sporty youngsters out of 3,000 wouldn’t be hard, would it?

Er, yes, actually. The initial casting call saw a measly 10 kids show up, leaving my heroes pacing the floor and wondering what the hell they’d let themselves in for. Luckily, Chris had brought along a massive dose of positivity, and after a quick tour of the local radio station, sports clubs and schools brought the teenagers out of hiding.

There are plenty of stars in the making among the volunteers, but two of the youngsters who got more than their fair share of time in front of the camera (and I can easily see why) were Oliver, a delightful, cheeky, football-loving 14 year-old who threw himself into the process, and Charlie, a troubled lass with family issues.

While he focused all his energies into getting good on the ice, leaving his mum and grandad beaming with pride, she struggled to find the motivation to even attend skating classes – with a determined Chris even tracking her down at one point.

Charlie, a heartbreaking bundle of puppy dog eyes and ‘fuck you’ attitude, made me want to reach through the screen and hug her to prove that life didn’t always have to be so shitty. While I doubt for one microsecond that she needs my pity, I fervently hope she makes it back into the skating fold.

I know shows like Ice Rink on the Estate are edited with people like me in mind: soft-hearted eejits who end up in floods of tears at anything to do with underprivileged kids (possibly because I was one) and can’t help but root for the underdog.

Except this time, the underdogs are Torvill and Dean, and they really don’t do coming second…

THE WHO, WHAT, WHEN OF IT

WHAT’S IT CALLED?

Ice Rink on the Estate

WHEN IS IT ON?

9pm, Thursday April 9

WHAT CHANNEL?

ITV

WHO IS IN IT?

Jayne Torvill and Christopher Dean.

WHO SHOULD WATCH IT?

Kids who think being creative isn’t worth the bother.

WHO SHOULDN’T WATCH IT?

Russian ice dancers… (boo, hiss)

McD Meets the Mafia in ITV’s Disappointing Documentary

Trevor McDonald is not Louis Theroux. “Well durr”, you might think. One’s a legend of ITV broadcasting, the other hangs out with America’s loony tunes for Aunty Beeb.

Quite. But they both plough the same ‘followed-by-a-documentary-crew’ furrow, and Mr Theroux, if you ask me, is far, far better at it than (dare I say a past-it?) Mr McDonald. Need proof? Then read on…

The Mafia with Trevor McDonald, a two-part examination of life in the Cosa Nostra, is a fascinating study, thanks in very large part to the criminals featured. Naturally, they’re all men’s men; boasting very straight white teeth, immaculately groomed hair and enough gold jewellery to choke a chicken.

But The Mafia with Trevor McDonald is like watching Goodfellas with your grandad in the place of Ray Liotta. in this opening instalment, McD ambles around Noo Yoik in the company of John Alite who, back in the day, would happily gun someone down if his Mafia boss – the one and only John Gotti – told him to.

The presenter manages to winkle Michael DiLeonardo – aka the delightfully named Mickey Scars – out of hiding, getting  an insight into the reality of turning against the Mafia and living every subsquent day in fear, while former Mob money launderer Michael Franzese talks about his fall from grace, and what it’s like to have his father still be a part of the Mafia.

While the men McD meets are eye-wateringly interesting, he couldn’t be blander. Perhaps it’s me, but he doesn’t seem to be anywhere near as engaged with his subjects as Theroux, which ultimately makes it difficult to get my teeth into The Mafia with Trevor McDonald. If McD can’t be arsed to probe deeper into the lives and machinations of the obviously articulate criminals he has managed to track down, what’s the point of him even being there?

He hasn’t been the dispassionate newsreader for years, but there’s still very little emotion from McD as he hears tales of murder, corruption, backstabbing and assorted other sordid details. Once the telling is over, there should be something from a veteran such as McD: a raised eyebrow perhaps, or a sagely pursed lip. But there’s nothing…

The voiceovers are even more irritating. They’re half-shouted (almost to get our attention) and will someone for god’s sake tell the plain-English champion how to pronounce racketEEring before the second part of this film?

Otherwise someone might have to make me an offer I just can’t refuse…

THE WHO, WHAT, WHEN OF IT

WHAT’S IT CALLED?

The Mafia with Trevor McDonald

WHEN IS IT ON?

9pm, Monday March 23

WHAT CHANNEL?

ITV

WHO IS IN IT?

Trevor McDonald and some very dodgy blokes.

WHO SHOULD WATCH IT?

Rivals Louis Theroux and Ross Kemp, so they know the oldies aren’t always the goodies.

WHO SHOULDN’T WATCH IT?

Mafia types and anyone whose first name is Don.

Hillary Clinton: The Power of Women Proves There’s No Equality Yet

Where were you in September 1995? I was hard at work learning how to decorate cakes for a living, wearing a pink gingham floppy hat to boot.

Given there was quite a bit of overtime flying about (and I was young and stoopid, so there was boozing and staying out late to be done), it’s fair to say I wasn’t overly preoccupied with much else going on in the world, which is a shame, because it seems I missed an important speech, given by former First Lady Hillary Clinton.

She caused a right ol’ ruckus at an international conference by declaring that “human rights were women’s rights” and vice versa. Well, durr! Even my pregnancy brain knew that.

But apparently a lot of other people didn’t.

Even more worryingly, 20 years after Clinton’s groundbreaking speech, they still don’t, according to new documentary Hillary Clinton: The Power of Women.

The film is, predictably, a litany of misery; filled with stomach-churning tales from all corners of the world of abuse, domestic violence, rape and the use of female genital mutilation – all to keep women in line.

One human rights activist recounts the creation of thousands of ‘rape babies’ in Yugoslavia, while another barely bats an eyelid as she speaks of her sexual abuse at the hands of plain-clothes police officers who were supposed to be protecting her during the political uprising in Egypt.

Then there’s the woman who was tortured and raped during her time as a sex slave in India, but when the people trafficking industry brings in more money than Google, Apple and McDonald’s combined, I understood why there’s no real rush to stop it…

There is hope amid the gloom, with positive stories such as the women of Liberia. Fed up with endless war, violence and rape, they protested again and again, eventually bringing down their corrupt government. Plus there’s the introduction of girls’ education in countries where it had previously been unthinkable.

Hillary Clinton: The Power of Women focuses on her work as Secretary of State (as well as predecessors Madeleine Albright and Condoleeza Rice), and while it doesn’t make for easy viewing, regardless of your gender, it did give me pause for thought.

Of course it’s completely stupid to say all men are bad and all women are good, nothing is ever that black and white. But this film makes it is crystal clear that, in some countries, one half of the population has experienced or is experiencing some form of violent physical, mental or political repression by the other.

Imagine – just for a moment – if human society had been more equally structured for the past 2,000 years. Not just in what we laughingly call the progressive west, but throughout the world.

Would mankind be so quick to destroy their natural surroundings? Would they resort to violence so easily? Could conflicts be avoided if there were more than male voices being raised?

If womankind had more of a say in the running of national and international affairs, is it so totally unthinkable to suggest that the situation might not be as bad? Dare I suggest that, if women were treated universally as equals – and had been for hundreds of years –  the world would be far less fucked up than it is right now?

I’m going to ask myself that question the next time I watch the news and see an oily banker sleazing his way out of defining the term ‘fat cat’, or a media mogul laughing in the face of anti-Page 3 campaigners, or an armed-to-the-teeth IS military leader talking about women he’s abducted as if they are cattle.

It is shameful that women have been treated so shabbily for centuries, but what is even worse is we, as women, have allowed it to happen. Feminists may howl at me, but if women really meant business, as a sex, we’d have stood up to the male bullies hundreds of years ago.

Hillary says there’s more work to do and by God she’s right.

Change may be on its way, but as long as it’s those men in suits and men with guns who are directing it, it will never come fast enough.

THE WHO, WHAT, WHEN OF IT

WHAT’S IT CALLED?

Hillary Clinton: The Power of Women

WHEN IS IT ON?

9pm, Wednesday March 25

WHAT CHANNEL?

BBC2

WHO IS IN IT?

Hillary Clinton, Madeleine Albright, Condoleeza Rice and a lot of women who really ought to be in the spotlight.

WHO SHOULD WATCH IT?

Anyone who thinks sexism doesn’t exist.

WHO SHOULDN’T WATCH IT?

Nobody should be exempt from seeing this.

Giles Coren Seeks a Longer Life Through Food

You can tell when I’m on a healthy-eating bender – or at least my family can. Without fail, I go hunting for programmes about food so I can sit and drool. Sometimes I even let out a little whimper if I stumble on a show about cake.

Luckily for me, my latest discovery featured lots of nosh, as well as someone I’ve long admired as a writer, but never really got to grips with as a presenter.

Giles Coren (brother of the ridiculously brainy and talented Victoria and son of the equally magnificent Alan) always came across as a bit of a smug git on the telly, but NOT so in his latest documentary Eat to Live Forever with Giles Coren.

The food critic heads off to America (where else?) to find out how he can extend his lifespan – and put a stop to the alarming trend of the men in his family dying at a progressively younger age – by trying out three radical diets designed to help us live longer.

As a doting dad of two twinkly-eyed and cute-as-a-button tots, you can understand Giles’ thinking. However, you’d have to be totally barking to consider his first option – calorie restriction – as a long-term solution.

Giles meets CR advocates Paul and Meredith, who each eat less than 1,800 calories a day, and unsurprisingly look like walking corpses. While Paul admits they don’t have the greatest recipes in the world (oh my goodness he’s SO on the money there), they genuinely think eating bleurgh food will help them live longer.

My question is: why the hell would you want to, with so little in life to look forward to?

Paul, particularly, comes across as creepy as fuck (sorry, but there really is NO other way to describe him). My skin literally crawled as he imparted his brand of ‘wisdom’ to Giles, who takes it all in remarkably good humour.

He made me laugh out loud with talk of “strange midnight poos” (I love fart jokes too – sue me), while things took a turn for the surreal when he visited a clinic where they perform – wait for it – fecal transplants. To cap it all, Coren’s description of his final toilet trip at Paul’s house will stay with me until the end of my days.

Coren also tries a primal diet, giving him more to worry about than just the fat content of what’s on the menu, and has a bash at being a fruitarian – which is just bollocks really – before coming to a perfectly sensible and justified conclusion.

Eat to Live Forever is probably not the way to go if you’re looking for a quick and easy way to shed those love handles. But if, like me, you want to see Giles Coren in a whole new light – then grab a fork and tuck in.

THE WHO, WHAT, WHEN OF IT

WHAT’S IT CALLED?

Eat to Live Forever with Giles Coren

WHEN IS IT ON?

9.30pm, Wednesday March 18

WHAT CHANNEL?

BBC2

WHO IS IN IT?

Giles Coren and some extremely memorable dieters…

WHO SHOULD WATCH IT?

People who love to hear others talk about poo. Um, that would be me!

WHO SHOULDN’T WATCH IT?

Anyone about to sit down with an early supper…

Yesterday’s Tom Hanks-Produced Series, The Sixties, Offers a Breathtaking History Lesson

By rights, there ought to be a great big bunch of flowers heading to the Yesterday offices about now. If I had actually bothered to buy some (which I didn’t), they would be a heartfelt, enormous thank you from me for documentary series The Sixties.

An official White House portrait of JFK: before the trouble began…

Apart from the fact it’s got Tom Hanks’ dabs all over it (it’s a Play-Tone production), this slick, seamless hour of facts and information is so gut-bustingly satisfying, it’s like eating junk food with actual vitamins in it.

The Sixties, as the name suggests, is a documentary series about the decade that saw the rise and fall of Kennedy, The Beatles conquer the planet and man set foot on the moon. It was a busy time and has been a rich seam for film-makers to mine ever since.

The opening instalment covered the terrifying-at-the-time tensions between the USA, Cuba and Russia, shortly after President Kennedy’s 1960 election and – despite the heavyweight subject matter – was glorious to watch.

Vintage newsreels, clips from real US journalists and soundbites from the great American public (looking strangely nervous in front of a TV camera – something that’s unthinkable now) help flesh out how and why the Cold War took a turn for the worst after the Bay of Pigs fiasco.

Russian premier Kruschev, who I’d always thought was a bit of a buffoon, turned out to be cleverer than I gave him credit, while Kennedy – as we all know now – was the one surrounded by fools. The Sixties is fascinating, poignant, educational and entertaining.

But what makes this slice of historical heaven slip down so sweetly is the absolute lack of pandering to the audience. There is no three-minute recap after every ad break, a rare and amazing nod to the fact this show is for grown ups who can think pretty well for themselves.

I’ll definitely be back for more, and not just because Lord Hanks of Hollywood is set to feature among future episodes.

WHAT’S IT CALLED?

The Sixties

WHEN IS IT ON?

9pm, Tuesday September 30th

WHAT CHANNEL?

Yesterday

WHO IS IN IT?

JFK.

WHO SHOULD WATCH IT?

Real, original hippies, so they can see what they missed, and anyone who thinks the Cold War was a publicity exercise.

WHO SHOULDN’T WATCH IT?

People with a short attention span or who don’t have a clue who JFK was.

The Lost Generation with Colour and Sound – But Can They Teach Us Anything?

Only those hiding under a rock would not know that 2014 marks the 100th anniversary of the outbreak of the First World War. From our glittering, digital, social-media-obsessed standpoint, we could be forgiven for thinking that we’re light years away from that long-gone Edwardian age.

The French charge, bayonets drawn…

And yet…

This morning I awoke to news that IS had beheaded a third hostage and posted what appeared to be stomach-churning evidence of the killing on to the Internet, while western leaders once again shuffled their feet, trying to look as though they really were doing something about it.

Whether we like it or not, our glittering, digital, social-media-obsessed world stands on the brink of another war. The only difference between what’s happening today and what took place a century ago is that, chances are, few reading this will be eager and willing to enter into the fray.

Not so the bright, beaming faces featured in National Geographic’s new series Apocalypse: World War One. Actually a French series, dubbed with a slightly grating American voice-over (at least in the preview I saw), it is an overview of the Great War, using footage from the time that comes complete with colour tints and an added-on-much-later soundtrack.

It begins in 1914, revealing how the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand prompted a squabble that eventually saw France, Britain, Belgium and Russia ensnared in a deadly war of attrition against Kaiser Wilhelm and his German forces.

Being as I am a slightly morbid type, my second thought while watching the opening sequences (my first was: “how irritating is that voiceover?”) was that every single person I saw flitting across the screen was dead. Colouring their faces and clothing and giving them some sort of voice might make them appear more alive, but not even the cleverest restoration work could gloss over the reality – these were all ghosts.

The first episode, Fury, tells the story surrounding the beginning of the war: Ferdinand’s assassination, the murder of leading French socialist politician and peace advocate Jean Jaures, various nations’ call to arms, the trainloads of men dancing on their way to their deaths… it was just so utterly, crushingly sad to watch, knowing – as we do today – how it would play out over the next four years.

I have a deep and abiding affinity for the First World War. So much so that I’m convinced, in my daft, woolly-headed way, that in a former life I was one of the fallen. That’s why, I believe, I’m so drawn to the subject. Millions died. Millions more suffered, and every year since, we remember them but we do not learn.

So 100 years on, when so many of us are looking to the past for closure and consolation, it would seem even the hardest lessons are yet to be learned as humanity turns its face to another very uncertain future.

THE WHO, WHAT, WHEN OF IT

WHAT’S IT CALLED?

Apocalypse: World War One

WHEN IS IT ON?

9pm, Tuesday September 16th

WHAT CHANNEL?

National Geographic

WHO IS IN IT?

Nobody famous, unless you’re counting Jean Jaures or Archduke Franz Ferdinand

WHO SHOULD WATCH IT?

History lovers and modern politicians to find out How Not to Fix a Global Problem…

WHO SHOULDN’T WATCH IT?

People who have no idea why 2014 is a centenary year.

Aunty Beeb’s Dr Fox helps ease my television Renaissance

It’s been a while since I’ve been able to post anything worth reading on here, but now that youngest Harrington has discovered the joy only a felt-covered cube that goes ‘plinky plonk’ can give, I have a few minutes to dash off an opinion or two about some telly. Hurrah!

What better show to start with than A Very British Renaissance? It’s arty, educational and historical, a combination I find damn-near impossible to resist, even when the BBC swaps the ubiquitous ‘Great British’ for ‘Very British’ in the title.

It’s fronted by hot presenting property, Dr James Fox. He isn’t, as a quick swizz on the internet revealed, a member of the esteemed acting dynasty (well, he might be distantly, but I didn’t look that hard), but instead turns out to be one of the most engaging hosts it’s ever been my pleasure to watch.

His classic, sober black suit and tie screams Jonathan Meades, but Fox is refreshingly unponcy. Instead, he’s more the Mark Ronson of TV historians – minus the dodgy quiff.

To this new series then which, as the title states, explores the rebirth of arts and science in Britain in the 16th century. Oh stop yawning at the back! Far from being a dull programme, it’s full of colour and fizz – rather like the Renaissance itself. And hey, anything that gets up close and personal with Hans Holbein’s amazing painting The Ambassadors is just fine by me.

Fox treads lightly through some heavyweight subjects as he describes how Europeans who had already been hip-deep in the Italian Renaissance for a couple of hundred years, found Britain to be a medieval backwater.

Luckily, their influence soon started to inspire home-grown talents, and the result was Thomas Wyatt breathed new life into the stodgy British poem, the woodcuts in The Book of Martyrs helped forge a new identity for the British, and pernickety home-owner John Thynne created Britain’s first Renaissance building.

It may have taken me four attempts to watch this feast for the senses (small people and fatigue formed a pincer movement, but I beat them off), but I can say for certain that when it comes to the next two episodes, I’ll be bright eyed, bushy-tailed and the children will be firmly in bed, so I can indulge undisturbed.

THE WHO, WHAT, WHEN OF IT

WHAT’S IT CALLED?

A Very British Renaissance

WHEN IS IT ON?

9pm, Friday, March 21

WHAT CHANNEL?

BBC2

WHO IS IN IT?

Dr James Fox.

WHO SHOULD WATCH IT?

Arty types who love a bit of history – and fans of The Ambassadors.

WHO SHOULDN’T WATCH IT?

People who don’t know what The Ambassadors is…

 

Watch’s new show The Happenings won’t be giving Derren Brown nightmares any time soon…

I never need much of an excuse to talk about Derren Brown, and to mention him in two posts running is a bit of a treat, but I do have legitimate reason. After thoroughly enjoying his Great Art Robbery, it was with a mixture of curiosity and reasonably high expectation I tuned into The Happenings, a new series on Watch from the same production team as Brown’s shows. But would this new programme be on a par with my hero’s awesome feats?

Rather predictably, the answer to that question is no – but that doesn’t mean The Happenings is a write-off. The premise is interesting enough: cameras follow smart-arse magicians Barry Jones and Stuart MacLeod as they subject the residents of a small town to a series of weird or strange events, then stand back and let the mass-hysteria grow before their very eyes.

They began in Stamford, with rumours and whispers of an alien invasion. Using close-up magic (including putting a fork into a plate-glass restaurant window and using tin-foil to push a hand through a solid car window) as well as bigger-scale illusions, including the mother of all crop circles, the duo built up the frenzy about little green men in the town to a peak, with an eyebrow-raising conclusion that – ha ha ha – we won’t be spoiling for you here.

Barry and Stuart even roped in dodgy reality star Stacey Solomon to help pull the wool over the eyes of the Stamford residents, though I have to admit I was more staggered by how utterly thick she sounded whenever she opened her mouth than by her abilities to fool Joe Public.

It would be stretching things to call The Happenings slick and stylish, but it wasn’t a complete train wreck either. Barry and Stuart’s tricks were impressive and I couldn’t see how they were done. But no matter how good they were at the sleight of hand, there was no disguising the fact this was a cheap and cheerful version of something that, in the hands of say, Derren Brown, would have been watercooler telly.

A for effort boys, but a definite C- for execution.

THE WHO, WHAT, WHEN OF IT

WHAT’S IT CALLED?

The Happenings

WHEN IS IT ON?

9pm, Monday, December 9th

WHAT CHANNEL?

Watch

WHO IS IN IT?

Barry and Stuart, and Stacey Solomon.

WHO SHOULD WATCH IT?

Stacey Solomon fans.

WHO SHOULDN’T WATCH IT?

People with limited patience.

Derren Brown serves up a smarty, arty treat in his latest one-off special

Let me make one thing clear: I’m a blissfully happily married woman, but God in heaven I love Derren Brown. Not in any sexual sense (though he is devilishly dishy, despite looking like he needs a damn good feed here – what the hell has he done to himself?), but I adore his cleverness, his wit and his ability to make me exclaim: “what the holy god and fuck?” at least once whenever watching him at work.

The man is, quite simply, a genius.

I even had the unmitigated joy of interviewing him once a few years ago, and was delighted to find he was every bit as witty, intelligent and personable on the phone – albeit much more shy – as he was on the telly. It was one of the few occasions I could place a big fat tick on the list of people I wanted to speak to before I died – it was THAT big a deal.

It also means any time he’s on the telly, I have to tune in and be amazed all over again, and it was true with The Great Art Robbery. In it, he sets out to steal possibly the ugliest, most disturbing painting I’ve ever seen, from a gallery owned by a multi-millionaire philanthropist.

With me so far? Goody. But instead of assembling a crack team of experts to help Derren do the job, he turns to a quartet of old-age pensioners (none of whom looks their age) to pull off this daring heist.

You see, there’s more to this special than indulging in a little grand larceny. Brown also aims to demonstrate – in his own nifty and inimitable fashion – that just because people hit retirement age, it doesn’t mean they become useless overnight. Far from it, as the aged foursome embraced Derren’s challenge with gusto, rolling with the punches when things didn’t quite go to plan, and revelling in the exhilaration when things went their way as they planned and practised for the heist.

I would, of course, be the dumbest of asses if I revealed much more about what happens in the show, but suffice to say my very high opinion of Derren Brown and his jaw-dropping skills remains very much in tact.

I didn’t even mind the little kick to my conscience about the UK’s shoddy treatment of the older generation that is, rather sadly, becoming the norm. Let’s hope this show inspires more of our old folk to get out there and show the world what they can do.

THE WHO, WHAT, WHEN OF IT

WHAT’S IT CALLED?

Derren Brown: The Great Art Robbery

WHEN IS IT ON?

9pm, Friday, December 13th

WHAT CHANNEL?

Channel 4

WHO IS IN IT?

Derren Brown and art gallery owner Ivan Massow.

WHO SHOULD WATCH IT?

Anyone who thinks the older generation have nothing left to give.

WHO SHOULDN’T WATCH IT?

David Blaine. He can only dream of having Derren’s charisma, mwahahaha.